That's the rub, isn't it? We can do a lot of work, learn it all, and even manage them well for years. Then one day, BAM —one gets pressed and we're left thinking, "Well, shoot, that was a little unexpected."
I appreciate you sharing though, and it sounds like you have the understanding to recognize when one’s been pressed.
“Learning what tends to press them, when they’re especially sensitive, and what helps settle them down after they get pushed.”
This is what therapy has actually been teaching me, not how to stop reacting, but how to recognize my own crazy buttons quickly enough to ask whether the present moment actually warrants this size of reaction, or whether something much older just got touched.
The reframe from “what’s wrong with me” to “I know what this is about” has changed more for me than almost anything else in this process.
Thank you for reading and for sharing your experience. It sounds like your therapy process has been a good one so far.
And I think you make an important point here. I'm not sure the goal is to stop having reactions altogether. We have to decide what to do once we have a reaction. And that old stuff has a way of creeping in sometimes, and when we least expect it. 😉
Exactly! And the “when we least expect it” part is what still catches me off guard most.
I’ll think I’ve got a handle on something and then a completely ordinary Tuesday will prove otherwise. The work really does seem to be ongoing rather than completed.
OMG, yes!! It's an ongoing process. I tend to lean into a developmental model of life so it's like this continual examination of things as we move through different phases and parts of life, all while accumulating experiences and relating to other humans. It all actually feels kind of exhausting. lol. Worth it though!
Worth it and exhausting in equal measure. That feels exactly right.
The accumulation is the part that catches me off guard. You think you’ve processed something and then life hands you a new version of the same situation at a slightly different angle and there you are again, doing it all over with fresh evidence.
Crazy buttons are a real thing but I would not be quite that resigned to them. Therapy can be part of the processing process but all experiences are meant to be digested eventually. If the context of our lives and choices doesn’t give us the room to digest them, they stick around. I’m not blaming anyone for still having buttons, because a lot of life is outside our individual control and we don’t always know the most effective choices to make. In my work I’m finding I have to list a dozen ways to my clients how to process somatically bc too often we are trained to lock everything inside. The buttons can dissolve and be overwritten by new positive experiences. An experience never completely leaves, but if its context changes it doesn’t have to be a button anymore. So thank you for pointing out that paying attention to our own and others crazy buttons is an act of love!
Thanks for sharing this perspective. I suspect we may be talking about slightly different degrees rather than entirely different ideas.
I absolutely agree that experiences can be processed, integrated, and transformed, and that new experiences can change the meaning we make of old ones. I've certainly seen that happen in therapy and even in my own life.
Where I tend to land is that some buttons become simply very quiet, maybe even smaller in size, if you will.. but I'm not convinced they disappear completely. Every now and then the right person, situation, or circumstance seems to find one we might have forgotten about.
Fortunately, I don't think that's a sign the work didn't "work." To me, it's just part of being human.
This was such a great post to describe pretty much everyone in different ways. Not only am I a fan of the Gottmans, I really like simple definitions for complex things. It helps people understand it better like you said, without going into all the details of the psychological theory and yet still feel “normal” with a few buttons.
Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I am glad this felt real and true… I love it when people approach me with things that feel relatable and digestible. And yes, it’s totally normal and human to have a few crazy buttons to manage throughout life.
Excellent article, love the view as it fits me perfectly!!!!🥳 I have a Hobby Lobby adventure from a button being pushed!!! Thankfully aware and just spent time dreaming, okay a few things jumped into my cart!!!! Thanks for sharing and putting up with my buttons!!! I can only hope I return the kindness!!!! Love, Mom. ❤️❤️
Hahaha! I think shopping is always a good way to work through a button being pushed! 😉 And yes, the kindness is returned. Thanks for reading and supporting! ❤️❤️
I love “crazy buttons” as a description for this, it is so perfect. Thanks for sharing this distinction! It’s so perfect.
As a bonus, the concept helps with my intense hatred of “triggers” because to me that implies that there are no choices involved and once “triggered,” we’re all victims of what happens next.
Thank you for reading! I admit I've always had a soft spot for crazy buttons because it sounds so much less clinical and so much more human.
Also, I think you're onto something. A button getting pressed doesn't automatically determine what happens next. It just means something got touched. Annnddd… social media has hijacked the word “trigger” so I kind of despise it now too. 😉
Right? Totally agree. Crazy button makes it sound so much more normal. To me “triggers” sounds like we need a bunch of diagnosing to figure out “why triggered, stop triggering” which seems pretty needless most of the time, especially when the person using the term is using it as a “STOP EVERYTHING I AM TRIGGERED” type move.
oof, yeah, that's not a good move. I totally see this though -- when someone identifies they've become triggered, it's like everything must stop to accommodate them/it. And sure, if it's something like panic, absolutely, but a lot of other things don't need this kind of attention.
I needed to read this right about now as my triggers are in full force with my brother and i need to integrate this concept:
>>the more we understand about the people we care about, the better chance we have of responding to what’s actually taking place instead of reacting to what an old wound is telling us is taking place.
And this needs to be my new mantra:
>>criticism isn’t always rejection. conflict isn’t always abandonment. disappointment isn’t always failure. And being misunderstood doesn’t mean we’re unlovable.
Thanks! My recent post actually dove into one of my crazy buttons around my kids fighting over toys. Something I hadn’t realized was there, even though I did tend to be unreasonably agitated when they would fight or not respect the other’s property.
What a wonderfully playful yet accurate way to describe our sensitivities. Yes, relationships can poke these buttons. But also, healthy relationships can also be where many of these buttons start to heal and become less crazy over time.
I love this! Whew! I have some crazy buttons from childhood (don’t we all?) and, despite all the therapy and work, one got pushed big time last week!
That's the rub, isn't it? We can do a lot of work, learn it all, and even manage them well for years. Then one day, BAM —one gets pressed and we're left thinking, "Well, shoot, that was a little unexpected."
I appreciate you sharing though, and it sounds like you have the understanding to recognize when one’s been pressed.
Also, thanks for reading! 😊
Whew! Yup! BAM!
This is a genuinely excellent read!! 🙌🧡
“Learning what tends to press them, when they’re especially sensitive, and what helps settle them down after they get pushed.”
This is what therapy has actually been teaching me, not how to stop reacting, but how to recognize my own crazy buttons quickly enough to ask whether the present moment actually warrants this size of reaction, or whether something much older just got touched.
The reframe from “what’s wrong with me” to “I know what this is about” has changed more for me than almost anything else in this process.
DK, The Unraveling 🤍
Thank you for reading and for sharing your experience. It sounds like your therapy process has been a good one so far.
And I think you make an important point here. I'm not sure the goal is to stop having reactions altogether. We have to decide what to do once we have a reaction. And that old stuff has a way of creeping in sometimes, and when we least expect it. 😉
Exactly! And the “when we least expect it” part is what still catches me off guard most.
I’ll think I’ve got a handle on something and then a completely ordinary Tuesday will prove otherwise. The work really does seem to be ongoing rather than completed.
DK 🤍
OMG, yes!! It's an ongoing process. I tend to lean into a developmental model of life so it's like this continual examination of things as we move through different phases and parts of life, all while accumulating experiences and relating to other humans. It all actually feels kind of exhausting. lol. Worth it though!
Worth it and exhausting in equal measure. That feels exactly right.
The accumulation is the part that catches me off guard. You think you’ve processed something and then life hands you a new version of the same situation at a slightly different angle and there you are again, doing it all over with fresh evidence.
DK 🤍
Crazy buttons are a real thing but I would not be quite that resigned to them. Therapy can be part of the processing process but all experiences are meant to be digested eventually. If the context of our lives and choices doesn’t give us the room to digest them, they stick around. I’m not blaming anyone for still having buttons, because a lot of life is outside our individual control and we don’t always know the most effective choices to make. In my work I’m finding I have to list a dozen ways to my clients how to process somatically bc too often we are trained to lock everything inside. The buttons can dissolve and be overwritten by new positive experiences. An experience never completely leaves, but if its context changes it doesn’t have to be a button anymore. So thank you for pointing out that paying attention to our own and others crazy buttons is an act of love!
Thanks for sharing this perspective. I suspect we may be talking about slightly different degrees rather than entirely different ideas.
I absolutely agree that experiences can be processed, integrated, and transformed, and that new experiences can change the meaning we make of old ones. I've certainly seen that happen in therapy and even in my own life.
Where I tend to land is that some buttons become simply very quiet, maybe even smaller in size, if you will.. but I'm not convinced they disappear completely. Every now and then the right person, situation, or circumstance seems to find one we might have forgotten about.
Fortunately, I don't think that's a sign the work didn't "work." To me, it's just part of being human.
This was such a great post to describe pretty much everyone in different ways. Not only am I a fan of the Gottmans, I really like simple definitions for complex things. It helps people understand it better like you said, without going into all the details of the psychological theory and yet still feel “normal” with a few buttons.
Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I am glad this felt real and true… I love it when people approach me with things that feel relatable and digestible. And yes, it’s totally normal and human to have a few crazy buttons to manage throughout life.
Excellent article, love the view as it fits me perfectly!!!!🥳 I have a Hobby Lobby adventure from a button being pushed!!! Thankfully aware and just spent time dreaming, okay a few things jumped into my cart!!!! Thanks for sharing and putting up with my buttons!!! I can only hope I return the kindness!!!! Love, Mom. ❤️❤️
Hahaha! I think shopping is always a good way to work through a button being pushed! 😉 And yes, the kindness is returned. Thanks for reading and supporting! ❤️❤️
Yup, we all have buttons. Life brings us many buttons. Crazy ones and good ones too! Great, comprehensive explanation, Jenn!
Life certainly does hand out buttons. Some good, some bad. Thanks for reading, Christine!
I love “crazy buttons” as a description for this, it is so perfect. Thanks for sharing this distinction! It’s so perfect.
As a bonus, the concept helps with my intense hatred of “triggers” because to me that implies that there are no choices involved and once “triggered,” we’re all victims of what happens next.
Thank you for reading! I admit I've always had a soft spot for crazy buttons because it sounds so much less clinical and so much more human.
Also, I think you're onto something. A button getting pressed doesn't automatically determine what happens next. It just means something got touched. Annnddd… social media has hijacked the word “trigger” so I kind of despise it now too. 😉
Right? Totally agree. Crazy button makes it sound so much more normal. To me “triggers” sounds like we need a bunch of diagnosing to figure out “why triggered, stop triggering” which seems pretty needless most of the time, especially when the person using the term is using it as a “STOP EVERYTHING I AM TRIGGERED” type move.
oof, yeah, that's not a good move. I totally see this though -- when someone identifies they've become triggered, it's like everything must stop to accommodate them/it. And sure, if it's something like panic, absolutely, but a lot of other things don't need this kind of attention.
Exactly right!
I needed to read this right about now as my triggers are in full force with my brother and i need to integrate this concept:
>>the more we understand about the people we care about, the better chance we have of responding to what’s actually taking place instead of reacting to what an old wound is telling us is taking place.
And this needs to be my new mantra:
>>criticism isn’t always rejection. conflict isn’t always abandonment. disappointment isn’t always failure. And being misunderstood doesn’t mean we’re unlovable.
Isn't it funny how family can make us feel fourteen years old again in about thirty seconds?
I'm glad this found you at the right time. And honestly, that second quote is one I have to remind myself of regularly too.
Thanks so much for reading! 😊
I've spent a lot of time in the past 12-18 months sorting through and trying to repair my crazy buttons. This is a great piece and I love this term.
Hi Tyrel — thank you for sharing this about your own journey. It’s a task, that’s for sure. And we get a little more efficient at it with time.
Thank you for reading! 😊
Thanks! My recent post actually dove into one of my crazy buttons around my kids fighting over toys. Something I hadn’t realized was there, even though I did tend to be unreasonably agitated when they would fight or not respect the other’s property.
What a wonderfully playful yet accurate way to describe our sensitivities. Yes, relationships can poke these buttons. But also, healthy relationships can also be where many of these buttons start to heal and become less crazy over time.